I sit here at my desk, the broken remains of the Star Wars legacy held in my hands. My heart weeps. My soul longs for what was, but will never be again. Woe, this day shall long be remembered as the day that Star Wars died for one former fan, in the small chapel of E-Free. Alas, alackaday, woe!
Okay, enough with the poetics. Our church just recently (like, as in tonight) had a Star Wars marathon (if you live here, and didn’t go, you’re a bum, by the way), where we watched the entire orginal trilogy back-to-back. After this, I have only one thing to say: They broke Star Wars.
Well, this post would be rather boring otherwise, so I suppose I’d better explain further. They RUINED it. Smashed it over the head with a hammer. Obliterated.
Their first major mistake was introducing the idea that Greedo shot Han first in the Mos Eisley cantina. Bad idea, it was one of my favorite parts of the movie, and they ruined it for the sake of “poitical correctness”. Secondly, George Lucas seems to enjoy forcing badly designed and rather stupid looking Computer Generated characters upon us. In a New Hope, they introduced a scene that not only showed us the hideous CG version of Jabba the Hutt again, but totally wrecked his character. He now appears as an almost Godfatherly like character to Han. Stupid, stupid, stupid. So this new version is digitally remastered, huh? What’s with the HUMONGOUS BLACK BOX around one of the TIE fighters, eh? *grumblegrumble*
The Empire Strikes Back was acceptable. No major storyline changes that I noticed, just a couple nice scenic changes. Oh wait, there was a shocking scene where they changed the Emperor’s face to look more like he does in Return of the Jedi. If you didn’t know why his face looked nothing like it does in Return of the Jedi originally, it’s because they weren’t quite sure where the script was going, and weren’t sure if they were going to show any more of the Emperor than that. On top of that, the actor who played the Emperor in the Empire Strikes Back died, if my memory is correct. I was quite happy when I learned they were going to change it, as it was a continuity error that had always bugged me. Unfortunately, it didn’t look anything like either version of the Emperor, or even Senator Palpatine, for that matter. It was some strange mixture of Palpatine, the Emperor, and Pizza the Hut.
Return of the Kin- err.. I mean, Jedi, was horrendous. For some reason, George Lucas felt like he had to change the song performed in Jabba’s palace by the band with some more disgustingly bad CG characters, and an even more stupid song. George Lucas also felt like he simply HAD to add some weird clacky-thingie in the middle of Sarlacc, for what reason, don’t ask me. It was stupid looking, made the whole scene disgustingly humorous and unbelievable, and there were even silly high-pitched sound effects the “Sarlacc” made too. It looked more like a tentacled flower living in a hole than anything else. Oh, and they took out the spikes in Sarlaccs gullet, because, of course, his gullet now looks like a beak. No major changes up until the very end, where they TOOK OUT THE YUB-YUB song, and pasted in some cheesy celebration scenes on Tatooine, Naboo, and Coruscant, where people ran around screaming (supposedly in happiness, though I have a feeling that it was in anger at George Lucas for taking out the best song in the movie) and blowing stuff up. As if to mock us fans, George Lucas threw some random clips of Ewoks playing with stormtroopers’ helmets, but it wasn’t the same.
*sigh* He broke it. Star Wars is broken.
That said, I’ll probably go see Revenge of the Sith and be done with it, but it will never be the same. Thankfully I still have my original Star Wars trilogy, which I will be keeping thank you very much.